dead again

i almost didn't use this title as it appears there is a similarly entitled blog entry some pages back, but i have neither the inspiration nor the energy to bother thinking of another one so this one stands. i am in that place again where i feel there is little meaning and purpose to life, specifically my life.

i took the day off yesterday, hoping that some rest would help (that and i just didn't have anything in me to give to this work). i did manage to do some more packing but it was a struggle all the way through. i just didn't see the point.

i knew something was truly wrong as i was listening to music and a particularly favorite love song of mine started playing. as the song continued i could tell it wasn't having the familiar emotional resonance i was used to. in fact, it seemed as if i had no familiarity with the song at all -- not just with the song itself but with the feeling it was expressing as well. and that's how i went through much of the day and evening with the feeling that there was no love in my life.

and here i am today. still feeling much the same. not caring about much least of all the activities that are before me this day. i'm not sure what i did in a past or this current life to warrant the life (and i use the term loosely) i have before me now. it is certainly not what i had hoped for. it is certainly not what i want.