a day in the sun/a contemplative moment on a pier

i had a pretty good day today. i have to admit i was a bit skeptical that it would turn out as well as it did. when i looked out the window this morning, the skies were overcast and the temperature was in the 60's. well, the cover did finally burn away by mid-morning, but the temps didn't rise much above the high 60's as i headed out to the beach. much to my surprise, as i got settled in after setting up my beach towel and chair and pulled out a magazine to read, the weather was really perfect. a gentle breeze and warm sun quickly had me down to my swim trunks, and i spent the next three hours being transported into a state of complete relaxation. it was the exact kind of day at the beach i had envisioned when i planned this trip.

however, as i shared with a couple of friends via text and email today, i am not one to allow a beautiful day at the beach to get in the way of my daily practice of melancholy contemplation. as i took a walk along the beach and out on the pier, i thought about the fact that my exposure to various men both in real life and virtually has made me realize that my desire to be in relationship with someone (or maybe relationships with someones) is growing. i'm also seeing that, while slightly less substantial, the barrier of being fearful of opening my heart to potential hurt is still very much in place. as i sat on the pier and looked out into the pacific, i thought how sad it is to have what i want most still be the very thing i am most afraid of. 

there's a song from my new favorite musical if/then that perfectly describes this dynamic. it comes as the character josh is trying to convince the recently divorced liz to take a chance on a relationship with him. as good fortune would have it, i was able to find a live recording of the song on the internet and so i can share the song with you.

the only thing i have left to add is that i hear this song and i think it must be wonderful to meet someone who understands you and desires to help you through your past hurts to find love with him. i hope there are at least a few more "joshes" out there for me to meet and know and even to love. 

you never know - james snyder (josh from the musical if/then)