so many unknowns

yesterday, i was sitting in my car following several moments of thinking through all of the aspects of my life. well, perhaps "thinking through" would be overstating the activity. maybe, "thinking about" would be more appropriate as i found myself left with more questions than answers.

i thought about work and how all the challenges that i've experienced over the course of the year have left me so uncertain about what lies ahead. should i dig in more to make a difference? should i "go along to get along"? is my disappointment and dissatisfaction with what has happened deriving from my convictions that the plans i've begun are the right thing to do for our long-term success or is it that my frustration comes from being tired of having a job with so little authority to drive the work and make things happen -- where every decision i make or work i put into motion can be undermined and derailed by my boss? should i just pack it all in, move back east on to another job with greater accountability and a new start in life?

i thought about this one particular friendship and how we are making another attempt at trying to see one another this month. even so, as our mutual contact becomes less frequent, i just wonder if it is going to last for the long haul as i hope it will. i know that changes come in life, and yet i'm still struggling. am i reacting to what is actually happening between us or are my perceptions skewed by my past experiences with other friendships that have started off so promisingly only to flame out just as they were getting started? is the fear of loss fed by the fact that i am an unknown quantity in his broader life, making it all the easier to forget about me over time? and how will i deal with the fallout if what i fear comes to pass?

i thought about the email i received from my mother this week in which she indicated that she was still waiting for a call from me. and as i get closer to making that call, i think, should i tell her about the fact that i've been experiencing a significant depression over the past couple of years? it is a fact i've hidden from her for fear she will be judgmental and critical. if she is, will i be able to handle that kind of treatment? will she blame it on the fact that i've long ago accepted my sexual orientation and now live unapologetically as an out gay man? will i respond in anger if she is insensitive to me? will our relationship ever, after 16 years, even closely approximate what it was prior to my coming out to her?

i thought about being alone and my desire for companionship. is it possible that i will meet someone that is meant for me and for whom i meant? and if so, how long will it take? is it silly for me to even hope for such a thing? if not, do i have a sufficient amount of courage and self-esteem to seek out and begin a new relationship? if i am not managing my feelings about the friendship referenced a couple of paragraphs up very well, how am i going to deal with the inevitable concerns about rejection that come when you really, really like someone and want them to feel the same about you? am i even capable of love given the failure of my relationship with michael? how long can i go on without a deep and abiding love in my life?

so as i started up my car, i just thought about how there are so many unknowns right now, and being the kind of person i am, i want them all figured out and the answers made plain now. unfortunately (for me at least), that's not how life works. more often than not, these type of answers are revealed  (if there is enough time) through our daily experiences.

even so, i'm still waiting for that really good thing to happen soon -- that breakthrough that will make me see that my life can be good and that, just maybe, the things i hope for can come to pass in my lifetime.

hope, prayer and time - julia fordham