unvalued

i had (very) tentative plans to meet up with a friend this week. at periodic times over the last couple of months, i would check in to see if those plans were coming together. never in this time did this friend reach out to me to share with me what progress he was making. with each check-in, he said he had been too busy to reach out to me about how things were going, but he was "still working on it."

when this week arrived and i'd received no word that he was coming, i naturally assumed that he wouldn't be joining me. naturally, i was disappointed, but what actually hurt was the fact that he did not share with me himself that he wasn't coming.

as chance would have it, i had the opportunity to share some of these feelings with him in an online chat monday night, particularly the point about how his not contacting me did hurt me. i shared that things used to be different. that now it seemed as if he didn't want to talk with me. that it seemed as if our friendship was coming to a close (and i thought but didn't express that here we go further down the road to my becoming a memory in his life).

he dismissed those thoughts. said the lack of contact was due to the fact that he was "just busier." he said he was actually still working on coming later in the week. he then stated that we should chat the next day, and our conversation ended.

that chat never happened, nor did any further word about whether he would be coming or not. i was in a word devastated -- not because he wasn't coming (to be totally honest, from the moment i invited him to meet me, i gave it no better than a 25% chance). what elicited this deep emotional pain was the fact that i had explicitly shared that what had hurt me was the fact that i had not heard from him. so what happened following that confession? i didn't hear from him.

i sent him a text yesterday expressing some element of what i was going through. he responded that he had been busy with no time. he asked how my day was going. i told him i was "wrecked" by his lack of contact. he said "i'm sorry" (a gesture that i actually took to be an expression of his condolences about how i was feeling and not any recognition of any complicity he may have had in my emotional state). i said (and meant) that was all i needed, meaning any acknowledgement of how i was feeling was appreciated.

and yet i sit here haunted by the question of "what does it mean when someone, who says he's your friend, won't take a minute out of his day to send you a text with his regrets that he won't be able to fulfill your invitation to meet your and enjoy one another's company?" my heart has been breaking that after two years of friendship i am not worth his time. and of course these feelings have unearthed a deeper pain.

i feel completely "unvalued" in this friendship, in my work, in my life, and i question if i ever will be.

in this specific situation, i continue to really like this person. i continue to care about him. i continue to kind of miss him. i continue to feel that he feels none of these things for me.