alone in my pain

on my ride to the airport this morning, i thought about the blog entry i'd written earlier in the day.  and with that reflection, i noticed how the pain in my heart just would not subside. i thought about how i was heading to yet another place where i would spend more time alone. i thought about how many nights i've slept alone and how many more there were yet to come, with no end in sight.

as my heart broke even more, i realized that probably the most difficult aspect of this time in my life is that i am going through this experience completely alone. in the midst of this pain and sadness, i have no significant other and no intimate friends in my immediate sphere of contact.

it is true that I have a few friends. it is also true that i engage with all of them online via a combination of text, email, and instant messaging. while satisfying to a certain to degree, i've also come to feel that, when the primary means for engaging these relationships is virtual, it feels as if my "place" in the lives of the majority of these friends begins and ends with the pushing of an "on" button.

obviously, i can't speak for others who find themselves in a similar life dynamic, and maybe it has something to do with my age, but, for me, i've begun to feel like these relationships have more of a utilitarian aspect to them. in other words, i've come to feel as less of a person and more like an appliance -- turned on when people want to engage me and switched off (sometimes abruptly) when they are done. and when they are done, they are done, meaning that i seldom if ever come to mind outside of this space powered by technology.

i rarely feel i get an opportunity to express myself completely. i always feel that something is lost in translation, being restricted as i am to words on an electronic page. there is no nuance that comes from the inflection placed on a word, the look in the eyes, or the making of a gesture. perhaps the most significant drawback is the lack of any physical expression of support. there is no gentle touch of the hand, no embrace, no shoulder to cry upon.

i find that when i'm at my most vulnerable, my most broken, my most in need, these conversations always end too soon. the time is up. off goes the switch. and i am again alone. alone in my pain.