what does it mean when . . . .

In my last entry, I shared that Nigel had come to town for a visit. I also stated that we had a nice time, which is a true but not entirely complete characterization of that visit. The full story is that following a six day visit, though I enjoyed his company, I was also pretty happy to see him go.

No one would be more surprised than me that this is how I felt particularly given how I felt upon leaving him two weeks before after a visit back in St. Louis. After that visit, I was pretty sad and wished I could spend more time with him. So what does it mean when two days is too short of a visit with someone who is supposed to be your life partner, yet six days is getting pretty close to being too long for being together under the same roof?

To be honest, I don't think it was about time except to say that two days was probably short enough for Nigel to sustain a higher degree of attentiveness than he has in recent history, particularly when he had not seen me in little over a month. However, six days, after having just seen me two weeks before, probably led to him resorting back to old habits. In fact, it was so much of a return to previous behavior patterns, I was wondering if he had forgotten that he doesn't normally get to see me every day. Thus, my feeling that sleeping in until 3 pm may not exactly be the best choice for how to spend a Saturday. Six days was also enough time for me to remember the aspects of our relationship that I'm not happy with and see them on full display before me. Therefore, when it was time for him to go, I was all too happy to see him off at the airport.

Nigel expresses almost every evening how difficult the separation is for him. I am not nearly in that place. He wants me to come back to visit sooner than later. I'm having quite a bit of difficulty being motivated to travel back before Thanksgiving. So what does it mean when there is this kind of imbalance in a relationship?

I was having brunch with a new friend yesterday and spent a good amount of our time reflecting on my relationship with Nigel, who the new friend has met and spent some time with as well. It was a time filled with the "so what does it mean" questions -- many asked half rhetorically and half seriously seeking an answer. He was a good sounding board, but when I got home I was quite exhausted from the time of interior exploration.

Now I find myself back in that place of trying to figure out what it all does mean. On top of all of that has been mentioned, there is a larger overarching question. At this point, it's clear that I have no desire to return to the same living situation that I had with Nigel, but is it that I don't want to live any longer with Nigel or is it that maybe I'm not made to live with anyone? Maybe I'm just not relationship material or at least in the conventional sense of relationship. And how long do I sustain the current situation? Yes, it is working for me but clearly it's not working for someone that I truly do love. I'm just not sure I can live with him anymore.

So, what does it mean? I hope the right answers come soon.