in need of adjustment

the past week has been a busy one -- both in terms of activity and range of emotions I've experienced. my trip out west was very promising with additional concrete steps having been taken to make the new job opportunity a reality. if all goes according to plan, i will be starting a new job in a new location around mid-August. 

the strange thing about this job is it is literally an opportunity that exceeds my greatest expectations. with it i will achieve a position more significant than any i've held in my career in a leading organization that i have long admired (since it's inception in fact). the organization is located in a city that is progressive and greatly coveted as a place to live (in fact, whenever i've mentioned this place to anyone, they always remark on how wonderful it is). and yet, while i was sitting in the corporate office of my once and future boss, reviewing the particulars of the job and the work ahead, and staring out her window at the expansive landscape before me, i was confronted with the reality all that was happening. and in all candor, the initial excitement morphed into a mild state of panic. it all seemed so big -- the job,  the relocation, the beginning of yet another new chapter in my life -- and as i looked into a distance that went of for miles and miles, i felt so small and inadequate to deal with all that was coming at me.

now to be fair, i've felt a little like that with every new opportunity. actually, i think it's the way that i know i'm doing something that will result in growth and is likely exactly what i need at whatever point in my life the opportunity occurs. still, all of this happening on the heels of the disappointment with the redirection of the developing relationship with my new friend may have not been the best combination of events.

from that disappointment, it became clear how much i desire an intimate, love relationship in my life. it also exposed the pain and fragility that i'm still experiencing over the break-up of my last relationship and the uncertainties that i'm feeling on how to move forward in that area of life -- not to mention the fear of being alone from this point on. 

and i guess that is the crux of it all. i feel quite alone and vulnerable in the midst of all of this, and as much as i recognize that i need to be strong and confident and to recognize that i am indeed capable of mastering the situation, all i really want is to have someone to hold me, kiss me on my forehead, and tell me that it will be all right.