resolve

another email from my ex. this one about how he wants to try again. it was long and dramatic, part robert ludlum, part danielle steele. it spoke of how he was going to be aggressively seeking to meet someone else, but he didn't really want to. it ended with a plea that began, "please stop things before it is too late, please don't let me move to a step that cannot be taken back!"

and see that's the difference between us now. i long for this to go to a step that cannot be taken back. unfortunately, i'm also in this place of being so acutely aware of the brokenness and hurt that exists within me because of this relationship that i seriously question if i have not been irreparably damaged by it. my recent attempts at putting myself out there, as it were, seem to have just returned huge disappointment, making me question if what i hope for is even possible given what there is to work with -- namely me.

i am this mass of pained emotion that even the simplest of slights strikes me deep in my heart. today, someone i regarded well and considered to be a good person did something that for him was likely just a playful joke. for me it struck right at the core of this place of hurt, causing my heart to bleed out afresh. as with most things it's not what happened that hurt but what it seemed to be representative of. my  life seems to be filled with disappointments when it comes to men. it's a wonder (or maybe even a cruel cosmic joke) that i'm gay. being such seems to just set me up for repeated opportunities of rejection and hurt by the male of the species.

well, i haven't responded to the email. i imagine it would be too difficult with my eyes filled with tears and my fingers shaking with rage and all (it's been difficult enough writing this entry). i'll try to get a response out tomorrow i suppose. i'm not sure why i care to. i'm not sure of a whole lot these days.