wants

last night i wrote an entry that reflected the emotional pain that i was in. after i was done, i literally thought that i was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. it felt as if the world was crashing in on me, and i was coming completely undone. every fiber of my being seemed to be in agony, and i had no idea how i was going to find relief. well i ended taking two tylenol pm, and after about an hour, i got a little calmer. after about another 30 minutes, i drifted off to sleep. i hate medicating to help me sleep, but sometimes it can't be helped.

tonight there's no feeling of coming unglued. actually, for much of the night, there has been no feeling at all. i was back to just kind of being here -- just existing. but in this moment i have to admit there is a distant pain, continuing to stem from this feeling of being alone. this sense of isolation has less to do with the number of people who are or are not actively engaged in my life. i have always wrestled with this feeling of not really belonging, not really fitting in, not really being understood, accepted, wanted, loved. i've speculated in more journals about this feeling than i'd care to recall. speculation that may have yielded some revelation but never any resolution. maybe the solace i seek is not meant to be on this side of heaven.

it's so strange to me. wanting the right person to love, wanting a home that is a place of safety, security, and support, wanting a job that embraces fully what i have to offer, these don't seem like unreasonable things to desire and hope to have in one's life. and if that's the case then why are they so elusive for me?