pulled apart

i woke up this morning with such a hangover. now, i haven't taken up habitual drinking. i'm still on my regular schedule of about four to six alcoholic beverages a year. and given that i've had the "pleasure" of witnessing the affects of excessive drinking from an up close and personal vantage point, i'll be sticking to that schedule for some time to come. no, i attribute this particular hangover to a combination of things. one is the over the counter sleeping medication i've been taking. the second and likely greater contributor is the nightly pulling apart of my emotional self to examine the reasons for my recent depressed state.

now dissecting one's soul is always a complex endeavor, particularly when you're doing it with others that have varied states of experience with and knowledge of the subject under study. and to be honest, in my still hazy state, it's all kind of a blur. it's involved quite a bit of angst. some timid if honest confessions. some frank assessments and opinions (including one specific comment on my masculinity that, while likely true, i still seem to be ruminating over). quite a few expressions of confusion and sadness at being misunderstood. reflections on love and relationship. many statements about the desire for the same. frustration. a little weeping (evident only to me). and, because this was all done online, lots and lots of pauses between remarks.

in actuality this process of being pulled apart has been going on for the past year and a half. this recent examination is just the latest episode. at the end of it all i have to confess that i'm feeling quite a bit undone. i've been pulled apart, but i still haven't come back together. it's more than a little disconcerting.

now a little related story. in the morning i like to listen to music as i'm getting ready. lately, it's been one of my go to favorite groups evanescence (a little amy lee is good for a soul that wants to vent). funny thing is this morning  i decided to go in a different direction, and i put on a recently purchased kylie minogue cd. now, not being a very good gay (except for my insufficient butchness, gosh i really need to let that go), i'm only a recent convert to the church of kylie, but better late than never. while showering the song i'm linking to below came on. now the beat and groove got my body moving, but the lyrics provided a temporary lift to the heaviness. i'm nowhere near having the attitude this song describes, but i do like what it's pointing toward and i hope someday i will.

there are many versions of this on you tube, but i'm linking to one where you can see the lyrics as well. that is after all the point of the story.

spinning around