it's monday. i'm somehow moving, but there's not much conscious thought going into many of my actions. i already can tell that i will be quite useless today, so i've made preparations to be able to leave after lunch.
i feel like my mood is as low as it's been in a very long time. the combination of being away from home for such a long stint with the intense work activity with the slight setback in the new job timing with the bad sleep pattern with the events of the weekend has taken everything out of me. and to top it off the sky is filled with grey clouds and the temperature has chilled to the mid-60's (i just checked the forecast and it appears, for extra good measure, thunderstorms are also going to be a part of today's weather menu).
all the while my mind keeps swirling around with the questions of why. why am i still in a work environment that never has embraced me when all i want to do is to contribute and make a difference? why have i failed in my one significant love relationship when all i wanted was to share a full and meaningful life with someone? why have attempts to show concern been interpreted as attacks when all i wanted to do was to say that people care? why does my heart hurt so much when all i want is to be happy?
it's the last question that is most pronounced in my mind. i don't need to be wealthy or famous or powerful. all i've ever wanted was to be happy and loved. and even with those two simple desires, it feels like i might as well be asking for the moon.
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