found myself in the midst of an interesting online chat conversation this weekend. i was talking with a couple of twentysomething gay men, and i asked what for me is the inevitable question when getting to know other gay men, "when did you come out?" now i recognize that not everyone is "out" in all aspects of their lives and some, particularly guys in their early 20's, may not be out at all, but that's my entry question to get to that type of information. plus it's my way of introducing my own bias which is that to "be out" should be how all of us in the lgbt community (particularly the "l" and "g" parts) should be living our lives.
now the response was interesting. both guys indicated that they were out to some friends and family but not to everyone nor did they see the need to be so. the rationale given by one was that, "after all, straight people don't feel a need to come out and declare that they are proud of being straight." my retort was basically, "well, don't kid yourself. straight people are unashamedly out every moment of their lives. they have no problem openly discussing who they find attractive, with whom they desire to be in relationship, and with whom they are romantically involved." the response to this was "of course, they are. that's because we live in a heteronormic society." my response, "exactly."
and really that is the point. the reason straight people don't "come out" is that the prevailing assumption (not just by heterosexuals mind you) is that an individual is straight unless otherwise proven otherwise. now to me that notion of "coming out" with all of the trappings associated with it (heartfelt, tear filled confessions or militant declarations being the usual images that come to mind) is not as important as "being out."
why? i've always had a two pronged rationalization for the importance of being out. the first and primary reason is that it really is the healthiest way to live for the individual. living in truth is just always better than living with any amount of deception especially when it has to do with one's identity. are there instances when someone has to be closeted? absolutely. but as i've maintained for many years, "the closet" should always be viewed as a necessary evil that may have to be endured for a season of life. it should not be how one chooses to live one's life indefinitely. the mental anguish experienced by that state of being can ultimately be damaging and certainly cannot compare to the freedom experienced by those who are out.
the second reason for my encouraging people to be out is that in a heteronormic society, all of us need to be reminded that there are a great number of people that don't fit the norm. we particularly need to be reminded that just because you aren't the norm doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. your hopes, desires, and ways of living your life can be very much similar to the norm, or, even more importantly, they can be very different than the norm but that doesn't make you subversive or dangerous. it just means you're human.
2 comments:
> the prevailing assumption (not just by heterosexuals mind you) is
> that an individual is straight unless otherwise proven otherwise
contra: gaydar, even faulty gaydar
> all of us need to be reminded that there are a great number of
> people that don't fit the norm
correlary: heterosexuals who are regularly exposed to homosexuals are more comfortable with them.
I think a more interesting questions is not whether one should be out, but rather how often one should out oneself. People often make statements suggesting that they assume one is straight. How often should one correct people one will never see again? What should one do if one thinks someone may have said something implying that one is straight isn't sure that he/she heard correctly?
Finally, homosexuality isn't the only stigmatized hidden minority. How often so you tell others that you have depression?
good points. to your question of how often one should out oneself i would say that it depends on how one would respond if a mistake were made about any other aspect of who you are, e.g., if they assumed you were married and you're single. if you don't care that someone is running around with erroneous information about you then there's likely no need to correct them.
you're right about other stigmatized hidden minorities. though with the depression i tend to be pretty open as well. i find myself regularly volunteering to people what meds i take, but usually in a conversation where people need some type of support. i would admit that i'm probably more open about being gay.
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