dragging

so after last night's slight emotional breakdown, i have been spending today attempting to get settled in. the challenge though is that I've been really, really tired. i'm not sure if it's a combination of the busy schedule and the long car rides and now being at a higher altitude, but all i know is that i have been dragging big time.

i have managed to get partially unpacked and am determined to finish if not today then tomorrow morning. i went by the new job to pick up some mail (i had a check there that i wanted to use to set up my new bank account). my office is so nice and i've got a new laptop with docking station and not one but two huge monitors. i can tell that i am going to be ruined for going anywhere else. it sounds like there's already a bunch on my plate, so i'm really going to do my best to rest, rest, and rest over the final days of my vacation.

so as for last night's moment. well, what can i say? i'd like to say that it's the first time that something like that has happened, but the reality is that it's almost par for the course based on my previous relocation experience. and it won't be the last. why? strangely, i am a person who longs for the familiar, particularly when considering how many times i've allowed myself to move to areas that i have never lived in and in which i know few people to literally no one. the only exception to this acute feeling of isolation striking me upon first getting settled into a new location is my last move to massachusetts. not sure why it didn't happen there or why exactly it's revisited me this time, but i have my suspicions.

first, fatigue likely has played a role. when i get tired, i get more emotional and my mood can shift dramatically based at the slightest provocation. second, going through st. louis, seeing michael and my old house and realizing that my home there is now a thing of the past certainly has left me feeling a little lost. third, while my current accommodations are nice and comfortable, they are temporary and so my getting truly settled in is going to be delayed. lastly, last night i was hit with the feeling of having done this move thing so many  times and feeling like i'm no closer to the type of life that i want for myself than i was when i first left home. maybe i'm wrong but right now i'm struggling to see it any other way.

all that being written, i am feeling better today than i did when i wrote my last entry. i'm definitely in one step and day at a time territory. wish me luck.