new place, old feelings

just thought i'd do a quick entry in the midst of my first day on the new job. so the day proceedeth well, except for the nagging frustration of being the new kid in school. you don't really know anyone and you don't know where anything is. you're not even really sure what exactly you're going to be doing. this is the part of starting a new job that is always the hardest for me. i like to be productive and feel useful. and that's just not possible at this stage of the game. i guess i'm just going to have to be patient.

and that's not going to be easy. over the past few days, i've experienced some pretty dramatic mood swings. i have been alternately at peace with how life is going and in complete despair at where i am in life. seems strange that two such disparate perspectives can be going back and forth in my brain, but they are. it might be a micro vs. macro issue. when i look at where i am today i'm pretty much ok, but somehow when it comes to thinking about the larger aspects of my life, I'm so not ok.

what am i not ok with? well, previous entries certainly make clear my desire for a significant love relationship. though my relationship with my mother is doing ok, the underlying fact that she does not accept who i am as a gay man will always mean that the relationship will be less than i'd like it to be. recent conversations make it clear that i am still struggling with the place of organized religion in my life as well as the fact that i don't feel like i have a home. i have been asked so many times in the last few weeks, as i've discussed this latest relocation, "where are you from?" truthfully, now that i've lived so many places, i really have no idea how best to answer that inquiry.

maybe it's this last point that is the summation of all the other areas of dissatisfaction. using the image of home as a guide, it's pretty clear that i have this strong desire to belong someplace (both personally and professionally) and to someone and neither is strongly evident in my life right now.

it's certainly a challenging time though it's not like it's the first time i've experienced these feelings. i just really want it to be close to the last.