i miss

it's been a little while since i've had the opportunity to put fingers to keyboard and type in this, my little corner of the internet. i would say that i've been too busy with getting adjusted to the new job and my new place to write, and while partially true, i think the real reason i haven't written is that i haven't been in much of a reflective mode. there's been so much "doing" that sitting back and thinking about what i'm experiencing has been pretty much of an "on the fly" experience. this has its good points and bad points.

i suppose the good is that it stops me from over thinking things and working myself into either a frenzy or a pit of despair. on the other hand, i also am not allowing myself to capture what i'm experiencing for future reference as a reminder that i trod this path before. but in the last few days, i've had some of those moments of deeper reflection and so now i'm ready to capture where i am now (even though it feels like it's not much further along than i've expressed in so many previous entries). so how are things going?

at first blush, i would say good. i enjoy my new job and i enjoy my new community. after even just six weeks, i feel confident in stating that the move was a good choice. still, while life may be good, i'm still experiencing somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. the highs and lows may not be as disparate as prior to the move (actually, come to think of it, there were no highs in the previous six months or so, just deeper lows), but there are still moments when i feel a profound drag on my heart.

primarily (and perversely) those moments are actually tied to the highs. every time i think about how i'm enjoying any aspect of this new phase of life, i think about how it would be nice to have someone with whom to share all that i'm experiencing. i wish this could be a "we" instead of an "i." that's the curse of having been in an almost 10 year relationship. you're haunted by the small, shared intimacies that brought such a richness to life -- going to your favorite restaurant, watching an old movie, shopping for antiques, spooning early in the morning, or just having someone to say "guess what happened to me" to at the end of the day.

i wish i could place the loss of these moments in the larger context of the relationship that i've just left, but right now i just can't seem to summon that sense of perspective. i miss having someone to love and be loved by in my life and that's all there is to that.