so christmas time is here. as we all know, christmas can be a time of great joy, excitement, and fun. it can also be a time of sadness and depression, particularly for those of us whose family lives don't resemble a hallmark television commercial. while i would say that i'm not in a depressed state of mind, i do approach this particular holiday season with a sense of melancholy.
as i've walked through the various public spaces festooned with holiday decorations, i've pondered that, unlike many a season before this, i am not really in the christmas spirit. i've had moments, but certainly not the driving energy that christmas has supplied before. maybe it's because of the recent relocation and living in a house still filled with a lot of boxes and not much furniture (a house i might add that, due to a recent spate of business travel, i've spent almost as much time out of as i have within). maybe it's that the boxes and boxes of christmas decorations that i've amassed over the years are still buried in the basement of the st. louis house and won't see the light of day until at least another christmas comes along. maybe it's that unlike last year, when i visited both my mother and my-ex for a week each, i will be spending this holiday alone -- couple that with the fact that i'm not feeling particularly motivated to visit the former (after all it was last christmas that my mother reminded me she would rather me be alone for the rest of my life than to have a same-gendered partner) and have broken up with the latter. none of this seems like the right ingredients for a particularly festive mood (try making a commercial of all that hallmark).
i was having an online chat with a friend yesterday who seemed unusually curious about my relationship with my extended family. i find such conversations to be somewhat difficult. i am not particularly close to my blood relations, and in a culture that so highly prizes "the family," admitting such seems akin to flag burning. but admit it i did and was admonished for my dereliction -- perhaps deservedly so, but it did little to improve my mood. i've felt really odd all my life -- never quite in step with the world around me. such conversations tend to reinforce that feeling.
a strange irony is that i am writing this entry a mere two hours before i go to our office christmas luncheon. i'm even wearing my boyd's bear "have a holly jolly christmas" pin to at least appear to be in synch with the office merriment. i'm sure it will be a lovely affair, even if my heart isn't quite in it.
still, i'm recognizing that there are 19 shopping days left until the fateful day and that provides some time to get a bit of the holiday magic. after all, it wouldn't be christmas without a bit of optimism.
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