a couple of online chats this afternoon reminded me of the statement that is the title of this blog entry. i made it during a conversation i was having with my boss and a work colleague recently. it was at the end of a meeting where we had mapped out the plan for communicating the purpose and scope of the reorganization of our operating unit. so as tends to happen at the close of a meeting at the close of a work day, the conversation turned from professional to personal. the work colleague was sharing that, two years on from her divorce, she was beginning to entertain the idea of getting out into the dating world again. with that revelation, my boss indicated something to the effect that i should probably consider doing the same. it was with this suggestion that i made the not so gentle reminder that it had only been six weeks or so since i'd broken up with michael, and i was not even remotely close to thinking about trying to find someone new. she persisted by indicating that she wasn't saying that i had to find a boyfriend, but that i should at least consider ways to put myself out there.
so how do today's chats relate to this conversation? well, it seems i'm getting to the point that i suspected would happen eventually where folks are impatient with my being sad and struggling and are just ready for me to move on with my life. today and in other recent chats, s.r. has been making similar statements about my putting myself out there -- today's chat had an analogy about fishing in it to illustrate the point. another friend, upon finding out that i was not doing well today, responded with an exasperated, "what's wrong now?"
i can't help but wonder if some of the feelings about my needing to get over it and move on have to do with the fact that i was the instigator of the break-up. kind of like, how much could i really be hurting if i'm the one that ended the relationship in the first place? i don't know. i sometimes wonder the same thing myself. i just know that i would have given anything for the relationship with michael to have worked. i would give just about anything to have love in my life. and maybe what hurts most of all is what i had to give wasn't enough and i failed to make what i most want a reality. and i'm losing my belief that it will ever happen.
and today the hurt feels more pronounced than all the days preceding. it just feels like an open, gushing wound and i have no idea how to staunch the hemorrhaging. and as i bleed out more and more my resolve diminishes exponentially. and the fact that it feels that people seem to be looking to me to be working to get better, to be better when all i feel is pain is very, very difficult. it makes me feel even more isolated and alone. and things weren't great there to begin with.
frankly, i'm scared. it's a thought i had on the plane today as i continued to struggle with my emotions and also thought about all of the work that is ahead (i even thought i would do a blog entry about it, but right now i think this mention is about all i can muster). i keep wondering how am i going to do all of this? how am i going to engage in all that needs to be done with the focus and drive that is required, feeling the way i feel (and the way i feel ain't good)? i can't keep having days like this. i really can't.
breathe no more - evanescence
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