the conundrum

co·nun·drum

kəˈnəndrəm/

noun

noun: conundrum; plural noun: conundrums

1. 1.

   a confusing and difficult problem or question; a logical postulation that evades resolution.

there is a conventional wisdom that states that the best time to look for a job is when you already have one -- the logic being that the ability to think rationally and engage appropriately in the job search is afforded by the security of knowing that you are employed and don't necessarily need the next job to meet your life's basic requirements. i have a similar postulation when it comes to friendships. at least when it comes to my own life, i've found that the best time for me to develop a friendship is when i don't really need one.

 

i've been reminded of that personal belief at different times over the last few weeks, but this perspective came most strongly to mind this past saturday. i got a brief instant message from s.r. i which he shared that he had just gotten back from hanging with his "bff," a friend he's known since childhood and highly values. i got to thinking how truly nice it must have been for him to have spent time with someone who knows him so well. that fact then got me thinking about my not too long ago visit with my best friend from early childhood and how comforting that was to spend time with someone who knows me and cares about me and vice-versa. i also thought about my dear friend rjg, who i've known since middle school, and the wonderful visits we got to have over the last few years when i lived on the east coast with the same joys of shared understanding and support. i then thought about how nice it would be to have someone like that here in my current life.

 

that's when the warm, blissful reminiscing turned to bone chilling reality. i couldn't see how i could develop such a meaningful relationship now, when i needed it most, given my current emotional state. to form friendships requires a certain amount of openness and yet it is so very difficult to be open when you feel so completely vulnerable. i've experienced this conundrum even in my fledgling long distance friendship with s.r.

 

here's an example. in a recent online chat he was trying to provide some encouragement that i would get past my present challenges. in doing so, in a moment i would imagine of some exasperation with my yet again recounting the loneliness and hurt i was experiencing, he began his rebuttal with the statement, "you are not special ...." now the rational side of me knew exactly what he meant. he was saying that i was not at all unique in the experiences i was having. many people have gone through the same experiences and emerged whole. the unfortunate thing about that particular choice of words though is i had just written this blog entry about that very subject. so my immediate emotional reaction was, "yes, i am well aware that no one thinks of me as special."

 

this illustration is not about s.r. using the wrong words. he didn't. it's about how the broken state of my heart took in what was meant to be encouragement and fractured it into more pain, more recrimination about my worth and value and more doubts about the prospects for having my heart's desire met. it's about the fact that, as much as i don't want that kind of reaction to happen, it just does. i do my best to fight it but my defenses are paper thin and my resolve is spent. and so the words come in and the pain is wrought.

the funny thing is i do fully recognize that this is a part of what life in relationship is about. it's about the possibility of saying the wrong thing or even intentionally saying something and hurting someone or being hurt by someone. again, in a time when my life feels rich and full of love, such words, if they caused any hurt at all, would be quickly forgiven and forgotten. in this case, there is obviously nothing to forgive. my problem is that i can't seem to forget it. this is not a life i enjoy living, if that's what this can be called.