lowered expectations

after another rough night emotionally, i'm coming to the realization that my expectations for life in the moment have become significantly lowered. simply put, all i hope for at this point is being able to get through each hour of the day fulfilling the responsibilities and accountabilities i have on my plate and just making it to the next one, which, in turn, will be focused on just making it through.

it would be nice to hope for more, to aspire to more than just existing, but when mere existence is as painful as it is for me right now, then it's just going to have to be enough to do that.

i have to admit that i'm not looking forward to re-engaging with the world over the next couple of weeks. i feel that everyone will be expecting me to be "better" and the truth is i am so not. in fact the struggles i've had over the past week and half have been pretty taxing and wearying and i find myself still pretty emotionally fragile. i'm not sure how i will function in the hectic pace of my work environment, but again, for the foreseeable future, it's going to have to be about just making it through each day, minute by minute, hour by hour.

they tell me it's a new year. i guess i'm seeing that it takes more than the flip of a page in the calendar to make one feel that much has changed from one year's experience to the next. with that i think it's time for another nap.