a casual disregard

there are times in my life when it is not a good thing for me to have so much alone time. this is one of those times. this weekend and now running into this week has provided me ample time in isolation to think and to ponder and to reflect and to ruminate and to think some more -- none of the subjects have been positive and at times it's felt as if my head would split in two from all of this depressed mental activity.

as it has for much of the weeks past, my friendship with sean has been the focus of several of these recent times of reflection. there is a certain sense of melancholy that continues to linger with respect to this relationship, and it only seems to be growing.  this morning i woke up and looked at my skype to see if there had been an overnight instant message. not a one. i checked my phone to see if there had been a text. none in sight. and for whatever reason, i felt a bit deflated. the usual explanations came to mind -- he's busy, he has company, he had a late night, he had an early start, etc. logical and reasonable explanations all, but my heart doesn't seem to be in the mood for logic or reason.

i headed out to get a cup of coffee (since with my coffeemaker and pretty much everything else i own packed away in boxes), and, as i was driving, i was nagged by a particular perspective. it feels as if there is just a significant imbalance in my friendship with sean. whereas, i would describe my approach to our relationship as "attentive" (maybe overly so), it seems that for him, from my admittedly limited vantage point, there is this kind of "casual disregard" -- kind of like when he's engaged he's fine with being so and when he's not he's equally fine with not being so. the phrase "out of sight out of mind" comes to the fore at this time.

i wrote yesterday in this blog that i could not imagine my life without sean being a part of it. it's a message that i also wrote to him through that same skype instant message channel mentioned earlier. there was no response of like kind about me (actually there was no real response or acknowledgment of the statement at all). and i suppose if there is no like perspective than to expect such a response would be both futile and foolish (states of being with which i continue to be developing an ever increasing association).

i can't imagine that i am the only person that has wondered what another person for whom one has a deep affection thinks about you. in this particular circumstance, it is not only a question of what but even if i ever cross his mind when we are not in immediate contact. i know the answer for me is yes and often. then again does that even really need to be shared? i mean, if that were not the case, would i even be writing this particular entry?

i don't know. there are moments when i stare in the mirror of this particular relationship and i feel so diminished by the reflection staring back at me. i think we all have a desire to no we matter to people that we care for and about. i think at this particular time in my life i have an even deeper need for that kind of affirmation. i have been so willing to extend that affirmation so freely to other men in general and to sean specifically and yet i wonder to what end because it does not seem to be returned in either word or deed. and naturally (at least for me) the challenges i'm experiencing have me questioning if any man will ever find me worth the time and effort to engage in a relationship of any kind.

and with that i guess it's not any wonder that i'm finding it difficult to make my way to my phone and send another text. truth be told, i'm not sure it will be missed anyway.