a new lens

i'm in a pretty low place this morning. low on energy, low on enthusiasm, low on confidence, low on life. in my therapy session yesterday, i shared more about the challenges i had been experiencing in my personal and professional life over the past week. my therapist waited until the end of my session to deliver what was probably the most significant comment of our time together, "you realize we need to start from a place where you see that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you?" after a few moments in which i think i just stared back at him blankly, he then reflexively said, "say yes."

rather than my just saying yes, we spent our remaining few moments talking about the concept. in that time, i shared that while intellectually i could appreciate what he was saying, emotionally i wasn't really close to being able to adopt this as my new lens for viewing myself. he then proceeded to try to demonstrate the reality of the premise, indicating all the ways i was primarily sound mentally, emotionally and physically. he shared that my recognizing this fact was foundational to setting a positive course for my life and that it was when i was acting out of the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me that i likely was making the wrong choices for my life. he stated adopting this more positive affirmation on how i see myself would not feel natural at first but it was necessary for me to try. i promised i would, even saying the words (not very strongly or convincingly i will admit), "there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me" as i left the office.

this morning i recognized how difficult fulfilling that promise was going to be as i thought about how some of my recent struggles seemed to negate the doctor's affirmation. if there was nothing fundamentally wrong with me then why did my boss not have confidence in allowing me to move in the original direction we had discussed for the role? if i was inherently sound then why didn't sean seem to want to meet up or spend more time with me? and lastly, if i was truly ok then why didn't i have love in my life? it just seemed that the lack and failings in all these areas and others provided ample evidence that refuted and really seemed to make a mockery of the idea that there is nothing wrong with me.

and so here i sit with a perspective that i just can't seem to embrace and a schedule filled with activities that i really could not care less about. i am tempted to just clear the day and go home, but instead, i'm going just to do my best to move through and engage each item as it comes. i have to admit the weekend is not looking to rosy, new lens on life or not.