pretty crispy

on monday i shared that i have been experiencing what i referred to as "soul fatigue," a condition of mental and emotional breakdown brought about by attempting to accomplish a significant amount of professional and personal activities while simultaneously struggling with a deep, lingering depression. i think another, at least related, descriptor for this state i'm in is burn out.

the what seems like relentless assault brought about by my depression (personified by me as the twin demons of doubt and despair) combined with the sheer volume of work required hasing me go to bed each night and waking up each morning with the feeling of uncertainty (make that outright doubt) that i can continue on with doing what i'm doing. of even more concern, there are moments that i feel like i don't want to continue on doing what i'm doing and i find myself pondering increasingly desperate ways to make it all stop. not a good place to be.

there are people who have noticed my state. and while they may not necessarily see that i am in a state of burn out, they at least have a sense that i'm pretty crispy. their suggestion is that i need a break -- a nice vacation that will help me to rest and relax and remove the stresses that 50-60 hour work weeks have wrought. under other conditions, i would agree with them. and while i'm not saying that some time off is not a good idea, i do question, if my experiences on weekends are any indication, how helpful that just taking time away will be. i've mentioned this doubt about how efficacious a vacation would be before, which pretty much comes down to the perspective that if so much of the feeling i'm experiencing has been brought about by dissatisfaction regarding my current life state and the constant questioning of when or even if things will get better, then how much relief will i get on a solitary vacation? i mean reflecting on that dissatisfaction can happen equally as much if not more if i'm lying on the beach as siting at my desk at work or lying in my bed at home.

what i feel would be more beneficial is if aspects of my life would change, and this week i've become even more acutely aware that it would be helpful to have some of that change take place in my professional work. i've often shared with others that this is the best job i've ever had. even so, i know that i would like to be doing something different within it. i am seeing more and more that quite a bit of the work i do focuses on the process of our work -- the "how" we are organized and operate to get things done. something that i recognized last year and this week's conference has reminded me is that i am energized more by conceiving and developing the various aspects of the "what" we do -- the programs, services, resources that position our organization and its people for success. this is where i'd really prefer to be devoting the bulk of my time, effort and energy.

i made a pitch to my boss last year about this and ways that change could happen. she was open to it but the change ended up being delayed if not deferred in favor of the direction we're going in now. this new direction did result in more responsibility and more money for me. and as supportive as i've tried to be about the new direction, i know (and have commented on this blog before) that i am disappointed and in my depressed state there have been several opportunities for my twin demons to have me wondering if the change in direction was as a result of deep misgivings about or downright disbelief in my competence and capability to do the work that we had originally discussed my taking on. it doesn't help that i made my pitch in a rare display of vulnerable admission of my ardent desire to do the work. now i feel that my plea was heard and disregarded. again, not a great place to be.

so now i'm about to get on yet another conference call about the "how" of the work. and i will do my best to contribute to the success of that work even though, all the while, i suspect i will continue to smell smoke coming from my increasingly charred soul.