i miss being me

today's conference agenda started with a very well done keynote address about work styles and creating value within organizations. the underlying premise is that the people who are most successful at contributing to organizational success are those who understand what their specific differentiating talents are and are focused on operating out of those strengths. interestingly enough, the key to success for doing so is becoming "more of who you are." this is the kind of work/life approach that strongly resonates with my own fundamental beliefs, and yet as i was listening, i realized that i was not getting the usual energizing effect that comes from participating in this type of presentation. try as i might, my heart, mind, and spirit just could not fully engage in the concept.

later in the day, i was looking at the results of the exercise that we did in that morning session, which was basically to come up with a tagline for ourselves that defined the distinct value each of us contributes to the workplace, and i was struck with the fact that while i recognized that my tagline was an accurate descriptor of someone i had been even in the recent past, at this time, i didn't feel nearly as capable of being that type of person now. with a heavy sigh, i then had this simple thought, "i miss being me."

i've written before about the recognition that i've come to that in fundamental ways i am walking through life with a broken spirit. and as the day wore on with session after session helping me to see the things that need to be addressed in my particular realm of work, i became even more acutely aware of how difficult it is to address this critical but challenging work when one is in this state of being. it is very much akin to running a marathon with a broken leg. it can be done. it's just harder and more painful. and all of the effort required in doing so creates this mental/emotional breakdown that i can only describe as "soul fatigue" in which neither the spirit or the flesh is very willing and both are pretty weak.

for a driven achiever such as myself this is the most difficult place to be in. what's even more difficult is feeling like i'm never going to find my way out.