hello again alice

this weekend i experienced yet another free fall down the emotional rabbit hole, resulting from a combination of borderline obsessive reflection on my failing to be a desirable friend and the almost utter failure of my antidepressant medication (i say "almost" because i am still here to be able to write this blog entry. there were a few moments that it was touch and go on that proposition). even now it feels like i'm sitting  on a precarious ledge that at any moment could give way and down further i will plummet.

i wish i could adequately describe what this experience is like. there is a feeling that one is going crazy except without the benefit of true insanity because realize people who are truly insane usually  don't think of themselves as such. if anything, they think it's the world around them that has the problem. then again, as i often fear, is this how getting to that point starts? i can't imagine anyone could remain sane with a life filled with these types of episodes, hence the reference last night of the strains this depressive episode was placing on my sanity.

in addition to the battle to stay sane, there is this feeling that people don't understand you. you wonder if, one, they blame you for what you're experiencing and, two, if they think you should just be able to pull yourself out of the situation with some positive thinking.

lastly, and in related fashion, there is this feeling of a pressure that people want you just to finally be well. now in and of itself that desire is not a bad thing, and i don't think anyone wants to be well more than the person who is experiencing the pain wrought by depression. the issue is that the process for getting well is often neither direct or expeditious no matter how much the individual and the people around him or her want it to be.

i hate being in this state. as i've shared before i hate being betrayed by my own physiology. and i hate feeling like that this is one more piece of damage that makes me undesirable and unlikely to know the companionship and love i wish to have in my life. and with that, i think i may have felt that ledge begin to shift just a bit.