the persistent state of being unwell

as yesterday's blog entry (well if writing that contained less text than a "tweet" from the average twitter feed can be referred to as such) should have amply signified, i am not doing well this week. but the state of being unwell is not a "this week" phenomenon. it's been a persistent state for months upon months and the trend line for my state of well-being has been going downward and picking up speed. it has even gotten to the point that this activity of capturing my thoughts in this blog is feeling like a task that is beyond my capabilities to accomplish at the present time (maybe switching to twitter would indeed be the way to go?).

today i woke up feeling tired even though i had slept soundly throughout the night. i have a fairly light schedule in terms of meetings and yet that is even looking daunting. and i have a therapy session this afternoon in which i will have to recount (and thereby relive) one of the most painful weeks i've had in recent memory.

i have spent the last couple of days concerned about (and more than a bit frightened of)  the prospect of having to be admitted for inpatient psychiatric treatment (for some reason scenes from "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" and "awakenings" keep coming to mind). i'm worried about losing my standing here at work and the belief of so many people about my ability to do this job (and ones with even more accountability) well. i wonder if having to do this will be a indelible stain on my career, ruining any future prospects (kind of like the experience many of us at least here in the states will remember having as kids when teachers would threaten that any potential indiscretion would go on our "permanent record" consigning us forever to a life of ruin and dejection). and then there's the feeling that i am losing a friendship as a result of this illness and that the now medical confirmation of its seriousness will make me even less desirable to engage and drive him away for good (i certainly have now given up any hope of our meeting again face to face).

i keep hoping that maybe i will get better miraculously and such an intervention will be unnecessary. and then i think of the nights past where perceived slights from the same friend sent me spiraling downward into despair, punctuated with more than a few tears shed. i think about how even when the slights are explained the doubts and sadness still linger. i think about how even now the feelings of being lost and having doubt that my life will ever be fulfilling crowd their way into my consciousness in almost a pile on effect. and from all of that  i see that clearly "better" is not happening on my own.

unfortunately, i'm not entirely convinced that "better" will result from even more intensive treatment modalities. right now, i'm not sure that "better" or "good" or "happy" or "joy" or "peace" or "hope" or "love" or, yes,  "well" will ever be part of my vocabulary again.