just back from a walk -- my processing and crying time as i referred to it to someone earlier in the day. a song came on that i've posted previously (and will do so again with this entry). it was a love song. as i may have shared before, i think of it as probably a top two favorite (billy joel's "just the way you are" being the other) and consider it to be one of the most beautifully written/performed of the genre.
as i listened and walked, i saw with my mind's eye my early 30 year old self -- the one who had come to terms with his sexual identity as a gay man and who believed that with that clarity perhaps one day love would be his. it was that version of me that first heard this song and used to hope and dream to one day know the kind of love described so eloquently within it.
as i walked some more, listening and gazing at younger me, i couldn't help but reach back through the years and whisper some words of apology to that person that i know i was but am no longer. "i am sorry that i let you down and your dreams did not come true," i began, "and i am so sorry that i do not believe that such a love will ever be yours/mine or that even such love exists in this world. not for me and not ever." and then the music stopped. and i walked and cried some more.
but it is still a lovely song.
and so much more - linda eder
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