i seem to have this uncanny ability, no matter how bad i am feeling, to find some additional opportunity to make me feel worse. so this weekend, a friend shared that he had his first sleep over experience with the guy he has started dating. this morning, i was reminded that another friend is at a destination wedding with his girlfriend.
my thoughts naturally wander to what wonderful experiences they must both be having with people that they love. i then realize that with each experience there is most certainly physical intimacy taking place. with that recognition, my heart sinks even further as i am reminded that i am alone. following quickly after, the recent failed attempt at changing that condition comes sharply into view and the sadness pours out of my eyes once again.
i'm typing this entry in an airport restaurant, preparing to leave town for a three day business trip. i have little energy or enthusiasm for the days of marathon meetings that await me nor am i especially happy about the idea of spending three nights away from home. i think about coming back to an empty house for another solitary weekend, and well, i think you've got the idea.
it's been almost a year of this and rather than becoming more determined or confident that a change can be made in my life, i am even less sure or hopeful that things will get better. sigh. it's going to be another long week.
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