some months ago i wrote an entry about having to undergo a ct scan of my heart to ensure there was no damage from my high cholesterol levels. as i shared then, the examination revealed that my physical heart was fine and i also felt that it was my "metaphorical" heart that was experiencing the damage. these past couple of weeks i've become very much aware of a new type of heart problem that is quite prevalent in the realm of that figurative heart.
as a result of this unfortunate situation that has happened between myself and someone i considered a friend, i find myself now not very trusting of this specific guy (and to some degree guys in general), particularly in terms of believing that he is indeed my friend and that he does actually care about me as he claims. it's not that there is this active resistance to the belief. it's like there is this "blockage" that is preventing me from truly believing and accepting what he is telling me.
today i underwent a procedure to attempt to remove the blockage. the person in question agreed to assist me. it was a very painful experience (at least for me), and yet, i appreciate the honesty and openness with which the discussion took place.
i cannot tell you if the procedure was a success. what i can share is that as i left that conversation and went about some of the activities of the day, it was clear that my heart was not blocked, and that pain and hurt bled freely and profusely from the newly opened wound. i can also tell that whether healing or a new, even more permanent blockage emerges is entirely dependent on the conditions in which the healing process occurs over the days and weeks to come. if i see signs of hope that life can be different and better than maybe there is a chance to be more open. if not, well i guess i can plan on being closed off for some time to come.
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