the visit

so the long anticipated (well, truth be told, the more appropriate word would be "dreaded") visit from my mother began this past weekend. two days down six more to go, and all in all it has gone well for the most part. there have been the usual minor criticisms about my choices in food or household products or television shows, but i'm so used to those that they pretty much don't even register any more.

while i'm pleased that there have been no major disagreements or contentious discussions, i was struck by an interesting thought today, stemming from a trip my mother and i made yesterday. we had taken a long car drive (six hours round trip) to visit a friend of hers that had moved to my state of residence earlier this year. it was a nice visit and a pleasant car ride there and back. when we left our host, i said a few words of thanks for the hospitality and well wishes on a newly embarked upon business venture. as we were driving back, my mother thanked me for the words i'd expressed to her friend and said she was proud to have me as a son. it was a nice moment.

this morning, as i was getting ready for work, i recalled that moment and was again reminded that while my mother may be proud of me for many things, there is one element of who i am for which she is not and that one thing is the fact that i am gay. now understand, i am not one of those gay men who feels like being gay is just a part of who i am. i believe that our sexual orientation is such a fundamental part of our core identity that it substantively affects how we see and respond to the world and vice-versa. as such, it's not a mere characteristic like eye color or preference like loving chocolate. to object to or even ignore this aspect of who i am is essentially rejecting me and denying my existence.

and yet, when it comes to my mother, objecting to and ignoring the fact i am gay is exactly the approach she takes. as i stared into the bathroom mirror, it then occurred to me why i dreaded extended visits with my mother so much. it wasn't really the possibility of her directly confronting me with religious pronouncements about the displeasure god feels about my "lifestyle" (though those aren't much fun either). it was the fact that, with respect to our relationship, i'm back to where i was pre-coming out.

as many lgbt people can attest, prior to coming to terms with your sexual identity, every compliment, every kind word about you feels qualified. you think, "yes, they say feel this way about me, but i wonder how they would feel if they knew i were gay (or whatever other identification you may have)?"

coming out liberates one from that qualifying factor because after that act you now know whatever is said about you is said with full knowledge of who you are. this works most of the time. the exception occurs when the person chooses not to accept who you are. when that happens an even more unfortunate dynamic is created. now you are all those good things in spite of the fact that you are this "terrible" thing that being gay is. the relationship strain becomes even greater when you come to the belief, as i definitely have, that being gay is actually not only one of those good things about you, it's actually a great thing and you wouldn't have it any other way.

and so that's where i am with six days left to go in this visit. it's a good thing i have a therapy appointment this week. i wonder if i need to double up?