forgetting/forgotten

last night was a difficult night. i got home from work at about 7:00 and went into my usual after work ritual -- changed clothes, heated up some leftovers, fired up my laptop, and turned on some smooth jazz on pandora (sometimes its watch a tv program on bravo or hgtv). it turns out though what i mostly did was just kind of stare at the wall. after about an hour or so of that scintillating activity, i went upstairs and got ready for bed.

following my shower, putting on my sleeping clothes, and climbing under the covers, i resumed the work i started downstairs (this time i added the ceiling as an object of my gazing). at a certain point, i thought to myself, "why does it feel as if the world has forgotten me?"

i think i was trying to say that on a day to day basis (outside of the work setting at least) i have very few signs that anyone knows or cares that i'm in the world. and all of the contact i do have comes via some form of electronic communication. i think the last time i talked with a friend face to face was back in august and prior to that we would have to go back to december for that kind of experience. sometimes there's no contact from anyone at all. and it's been that way for quite some time.

the even more troubling dynamic is that i seem to be forgetting myself that i am here or at least my purpose or role in the world outside of my work identity. so i literally step out of work and it's like, "umm what am i supposed to do now?" it's also this feeling of forgetting who i am and knowing who i'm supposed to be. and so if i'm even forgetting me, i guess it shouldn't be any surprise that others are as well.

and so it continues....