lost and trapped

i'm starting to not like sundays. at least the kind of sundays i have been having of late.

on this most recent sunday, i was having a continuation of the "drug induced existentialism" that i wrote about in my blog entry on saturday. in addition, i was experiencing the normal sunday pattern of feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work i had awaiting me in the work week to come. "how could i possibly get through the week feeling the way i do now?" i asked myself for what seems like the umpteenth time. it was bad enough to be struggling with the depression, but the back pain on top of it left me feeling utterly defeated and incapable.

i guess the good news is that i work up this morning feeling that i could at least get out of the bed and go into the day. the not as good news is that my back is still achy and my mood as the morning moves on feels a bit wobbly (i thought about writing "shaky" but rolled my eyes at the unintentional rhyming pattern that would have resulted. if that's your thing though please feel free to make the word substitution).

the reality is that i have in fact more than made it through every work week that i did not think i could possibly make it through on the sunday preceding it. and yet on every sunday following i feel that there has been even more of me lost in this whole process of my life.

it's like, in addition to that "lost in the woods" feeling i've described before, i feel trapped in the woods as well. it"s as if no matter how far i manage to travel through the woods, they continue to extend farther and farther around me still. and at the end of the week, all i have for my effort is fatigue, heartache, and lost hope.

and the feeling that the time would be better spent digging a deep hole, climbing in it, and pulling the dirt back around me. it feels like my broken spirit has already done so. maybe the rest of me should just go ahead and join it.