i had an experience today that reminded me of some of the emotional baggage i am up against as i attempt to find love and connection in this world. it happened in this wonderful chat room in which i've been participating over the last couple of weeks. the room is hosted by this truly special guy and filled with the nicest, friendliest, kindest, most interesting and supportive people you could ever want to meet. and every day even more wonderful people join in the mix.
today, a nice, friendly new guy joined in chat for the first time. as chat proceeded one of the guys commented on how attractive the new guy was, having just looked at his online profile. i decided to take a look myself and agreed with the assessment and commented as such when i returned to the room. later, as everyone was saying their goodbyes, the topic of the new guy came up with emphatically positive declarations about his attractiveness. it was at this point that i had one of my unfair and unfortunate thoughts.
it was basically something to the effect of, "well when there are guys who are like him, i.e., much younger and much better looking, who would ever be interested in me?" my heart sank with the onset of this thought and i'm sorry to report that it hasn't yet rebounded.
t think what brought the thought on was the obvious interest of guys around my age in this cute, fit, younger man. even when i was the same age as the new guy, i felt inferior and outmatched by men who looked like him. now at the threshold of fifty, with the preoccupation of gay men with youth and beauty, i feel my hopes of meeting and being with someone who will want me are unrealistic and maybe even downright foolish.
i know i'm supposed to be in the place of affirming and being kind to myself and i should dismiss such comparisons out of my conscious thought. i so wish i could. i really do. but right now, all i can see is what i'm not and that what i am is not enough.
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