fear of an aimless life

i woke up this morning feeling as if i had no life in me. i assumed that my condition had resulted from a very full week of activity. i had hoped that as the day progressed the situation would improve.

it hasn't.

i tried to take a nap and only got about 40 minutes of sleep. and somehow i have this sense that it really doesn't matter how much sleep i get. this feeling of having no life in me will remain.

at this week's therapy session, i made this statement about the relentless solitary nature of my life. that it feels as if it's only me isolated and apart from life with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to know or be known by. so in response, dr s asked me what i would rather be doing instead. i pondered his question for a few moments and found myself sharing that absolutely nothing came to mind. i had no remote idea of not only what i wanted from life but what was even possible for me to have.

i continue to navigate this life without a map or a compass -- no sense of where i'm supposed to be going or really what i'm doing.

i guess it's no wonder that i rely on work so much. with the plans and projects, it provides some sense of purpose or, if not purpose, at least direction. and this also explains why when there are setbacks or the unexpected happens at work, the experience affects me so deeply. it's the feeling of losing the one sense of certainty that exists in my life, the one anchor that provides me with a sense that my life has some purpose or meaning. without it i feel as if i'm completely adrift in an absolutely aimless life.

as was shared a week or so ago, i recently had that type of unexpected occurrence at work and with it, that same sense of being utterly lost consumed me. over the course of this week, i've reconnected with the sense of purpose -- a connection that admittedly does feel somewhat tenuous. and, truth be told, i know i live with a certain fear that, with the chaos and frenzied pace at work, i will lose the connection again. and because i think i've lost almost all hope that with respect to the rest of my life i will know what i should want or what i should seek, what will happen to me if i do. will i be able to find my way back again? will i want to?