the song below is one that i just got finished listening to as i was taking a hot soak in a mineral salts infused bath. as the song started for some reason it hit me that i first heard this song 15 years ago shortly after i had come out as a gay man (it also occurred to me that this year was my 15th anniversary of said event. perhaps i realized that at some other point in the year but have no recollection of that happening). i found the cd the song is on in the sales bin of a local book/music store that i used to frequent (and which has long since closed).
i have listened to this song so many times over the years. i've even posted it on this blog a time or two. it is a song that expresses the most fundamental of desires that of love and faithful companionship in a truly eloquent way. listening to it while immersed in warm bath water, i thought back to those times i first listened to those songs. newly accepting of my sexual identity, i listened and longed that what was being expressed would come true in my life -- that now that i was clear on who i was, i would finally be able to find that "real thing." 15 years ago there was, yes, so much longing but there was hope that it could happen.
i wonder how i would have felt if i knew that 15 years hence that i would still be searching and that all i would have to show for my hoping was a failed long-term relationship that brought more sorrow into my life than support, more hurt than healing, and more pain than love? what would my response have been to the fact that 15 years later i would be alone in a new city with no prospects for much happiness ahead?
i guess life felt that the part of the song i deserved was "nothing at all." i guess the search is over.
real thing - bobby caldwell
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