if you've ever taken a basic biology course, you're familiar with the systems of the body -- nervous, respiratory, skeletal, circulatory and so on. if you've had further study in the workings of the human body then you likely know that one part of the nervous system is called the autonomic system and that it governs all the bodily functions that don't require conscious thought -- breathing, heart beating, blinking. etc. lately, it feels that another part of my autonomic system is the tendency, as a friend once shared with me, to think of 100 different reasons for any circumstance and to always choose the worst one, particularly as it relates to how i feel about myself. it's funny because it's thoughts about my relationship with this same friend that has brought this unfortunate habit very much to the forefront.
you see it's been several days since my last interaction with this friend. that may not seem so unusual to some but we've developed a routine in which we send at least a hello text on a daily basis. there may be a day or two lapse, but it's been quite some time since we've gone this long without any contact. as a result, unfortunately, my autonomic response has kicked in with the myriad of reasons why. these reasons range from the logical ["he's busy enjoying his vacation," he's getting much needed rest," "his phone's not working or broken (this has actually happened before)"] to the dire ["he's terribly sick," "he's been in an accident," "his girlfriend broke up with him and he's too depressed to talk"] to the ridiculous ["his gf murdered him," "he's in jail," "he's run off to be a monk (this also has actually happened in my life with another friend but he did at least tell me that was in his plans before doing so)."] and as is also all too often the case, the reasons i keep coming back to and accepting are the ones that have to do with my own failings and shortcomings -- "i've said or done something to offend him," "he can't deal with my depression any longer," "i'm not desirable as a friend," and that good old standby, "when it comes to men in my life, eventually, they just leave, especially those i care for the most."
i think the saddest part of this all is my realization that i no longer have the ability to fight against these thoughts. the events of the past few months joined with the struggles of the past year-plus have left me feeling so broken of heart, mind, and spirit that i just can't sustain a belief that he really wants to continue to be friends with me. for a long time, i felt as if his life was too full for me to have any real part of and that i kept intruding where i didn't really have a place. i got to a good place over time of having some confidence in the relationship. then something happened a few weeks ago that kind of shattered the picture i had of this friendship and i have been struggling (and failing) to put the pieces back together again ever since.
i'm not sure about any of you, but there have been a few periods in my life where everything has felt so broken that i could not conceive of anything being good or right or whole again. i am deep in one of those times right now -- in some ways deeper than i have ever been. it's not just about this particular friendship. there are so many, many other issues, and yet, with this particular friendship, i am now as lost and unclear of what to do or what will happen as i have been about so much of late.
it's really a shame too because i really like this guy and i could certainly use a friend about now.
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