how much more?

in the quiet spaces of this weekend, which would pretty much be the entirety of this weekend, i've noticed that my breathing pattern has been somewhat slow and labored. it is as if the heaviness of my heart is weighing down my chest cavity, making its expansion and contraction that much more challenging.

in the times i've experienced this level of depression, i've always been amazed by how truly difficult emotional pain can be. i think people often feel that if you're in this state all you really need to do is to find a distraction -- go to a movie, read a book, listen to some music, go for a walk, call up a friend, indulge in a new hobby, have sex (or its reasonable facsimile), redecorate your home, and so on, and so on.

what not many people realize is that just as with my labored breathing, depression tends to weigh down everything. everything becomes a monumental undertaking such that even if you can motivate yourself to do any of those activities, they are difficult to sustain because of lack of focus or energy or both. plus, if my experience is any indication, your enjoyment of them is not nearly as complete as when you feel whole and healthy.

for me, in any given week, i have like a window of productive space. my mind is clear enough, my enthusiasm strong enough, my energy level high enough that i can get things done. depending on how my brain chemistry is working in that particular week and the number of frustrations, disappointments or unexpected "surprises" that have happened, that window can be as long as a few days or as short as a few hours over the course of the entire week. it's not the greatest way to live a life, but i'm trying.

it would help if i had a belief that life will be better than this someday -- that work will yield accomplishment as well as effort, that friends who are engaged and physically present will be plentiful, and that, as i continue to wander lost and alone in these dark woods, love will come find me  and help me to find my way home. it would help even more if any elements of that belief were reality.

i guess it really shouldn't be so surprising that this kind of hope eludes me. i mean, after all, how much more can a heavy heart and a broken spirit really be expected to carry?