this past weekend i was stumbling around in the kitchen, attempting to pull together some reasonable facsimile of a meal. as i reached for something across the counter, i knocked a small drinking glass off and tumbling down to the wood floor below it went. it hit hard and shattered into more pieces than i thought possible -- shards and slivers of glass spread a great distance across my kitchen floor.
for many months i've described my spirit as feeling broken. this week and definitely in the past couple of day i've been in an overall state that has felt much more like that drinking glass. broken implies something that has come apart in a few places but the general form is still intact and it's fairly clear how to repair it if you had some form of adhesive or connector. shattered, on the other hand, indicates that the object has been so thoroughly damaged that it is almost impossible to discern what the object even was let alone have any clue as to how to restore it.
there is this feeling of deep hopelessness that accompanies being in this state. no idea where to begin to get well. a feeling that restoration to any semblance of wholeness is not even probably let alone possible. better to just do with it what i did with the glass and sweep it up and put it in the trash.
is that what is happening to me? maybe people have examined the wreckage and thought there is no hope for salvation here, no value to be created. better to just avoid the debris, so one doesn't get affected in any way. hopefully someone will come along soon and remove this mess so the world can move forward with more important concerns.
how am i doing? i'm not sure it matters much at this point.
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