the worst and most insidiously damaging part about having depression as a chronic illness is the almost invisible nature of it. unlike a broken limb or some other disfiguring ailment, the depression sufferer has very few visible manifestations. unlike the person who has had a loss of a loved one or a setback in a job or relationship, those of us who deal with this condition find the experience very solitary.
if i can judge fairly by my own experience, there is not much support and even less understanding to be garnered from friends, family, work colleagues or acquaintances. those who care and that you even dare let know (because mental illness can be seen as a sign of weakness and inability to fulfill one's responsibilities), try but are often at a loss as to what to say and tend to worry more about saying the wrong thing. there are also the inevitable admonitions of "cheer up," "just try to think positively" or "don't be so negative about everything" that are expressed. and again in my case, though i know not meant by the encourager, in my hurt i hear that the state i am in is my fault, that i am not trying hard enough, that i'm not finding the right solutions, that i'm not open to being helped, that i'm doing it all wrong (it's funny, the experience is very similar to what i was experiencing as i was trying to come to terms with being gay).
of late, i have found being in this state is creating the perception that people do not want to be around or engage me to any great degree. it's caused me both to hunger for connection and comfort and to retreat from contact for fear i will be rejected and reminded that i am broken, difficult to understand or relate to, and really not worth the effort given the challenges that others face in their daily lives.
it's been almost two years since this latest incarnation of depressive episodes have appeared, much of it without any type of break. in the midst of this, i've done my best to push forward at work and in my personal life. as is my habit with work, i've pushed myself to a point past exhaustion with very little sense of accomplishment and even less positive reinforcement. and personally, i am alone and isolated from any substantive experiences of love, support or encouragement. and through all these many days, weeks and months, the pain has remained locked inside of me hidden to those in my daily life behind an unfeeling smile and a false air of positivity. and i die a little more each day.
but now i'm at the point where i cannot put off checking in with my medical care provider and share that little progress has been made since we last met almost a year ago. i am fearful of his reaction given the last time he wanted me to consider inpatient treatment for my condition and had even indicated that it might not be my decision to make. if such a thing were to occur i see that as being the end of all that i have accomplished professionally. there would be no coming back from something like that to a role with the level of accountability that i have let alone gaining even more.
all i have ever wanted in life is to love and be loved and to make a positive difference in the world. i have not felt much of a sense of the former in quite some time and now it feels as if the ability to accomplish the latter will soon be stripped from me as well. if my life does not have the two vital elements that i've hoped for then what do i have? what is my life?
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