nothing at work (and in some cases beyond) is making much sense to me these days. i've lost my confidence and faith that anything that i am doing is making much of a difference. every idea i have, every plan i make is shadowed by this sense of futility. i have certainly lost most of the belief i've had that who i am and the approach i would like to take to my work has the necessary support that they need from my direct leadership let alone those even higher in the organization.
it just feels as if the very nature of this place continues to shift in a way that i can't possibly truly successfully accomplish the work for which i feel accountable. sure, i can do "stuff," but that's not the same thing as getting the right work, the most important work done and done well.
it's hard to stay engaged and motivated under these kind of circumstances. it's harder still when your entire emotional makeup not only does not support you but seems to be working against you. it's not about being able to stay positive, it's about how do i not let myself be overwhelmed by this pervasive sense that the entirety of life is a ridiculous joke and the laugh is on me.
i have never been this deeply mired in disaffection, and it is draining me of whatever bit of meaning and purpose in life that i have left (which, truth be told, ain't much). and i ask again, "why is this happening to me?"
spirits in the material world - the police
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