a few days ago, i had another strange dream (though it seems these days adding the word "strange" to characterize my dreams is pretty redundant). it was one of the those dreams that feels so real that, while you suspect it must be a dream, you spend much of the time trying to figure out if it is or not. it started with me waking up on a beach on a lovely, warm summer day. the heat of the sun felt great on my skin; the smell and sound of the ocean were soothing, and the cool ocean breeze comforting. the strange thing was, while i was enjoying the view and it all seemed familiar, i wasn't quite sure where i was.
as i stood up and looked around me, i realized i was in santa barbara, california, a place that i had visited on vacation about this time last year. so the question of where i was had been solved. the only additional problem was i had no memory of how i'd gotten there. no recollection of planning the trip, of packing, of going to the airport, taking the plane, checking into the hotel, unpacking, or even walking out onto the beach and falling asleep. it was at that moment, i thought, "this has to be a dream," but again, it just felt so real.
"wait," i continued in my speculation, "if i don't have a hotel room key, then i know it's a dream." i reached into my bag and there was one of those electric card key folders with my hotel room key and room number. with that and the fact that i had not woken up (again), i decided to go with it.
after dropping my stuff in the room and changing clothes, i decided to take a walk around the shops in the hotel. in doing so, i ran into a colleague from work that shared he had just arrived and decided to take the same tour of the shops.
as we walked and talked, he started telling me some stories about some really negative stuff that had been happening to him at work. what he shared was pretty consistent with what i knew were the experiences of quite a few of our co-workers (including me), some of whom had already left the organization. what my colleague was sharing was even more severe than what others, including me, had experienced. as we reached a certain point in the hotel mall, he shared that he needed to be going to meet his family, that it was great to see me, and that he hoped i had a great rest of my vacation. i wished him the same and did a quick wave goodbye as he turned the corner and headed off.
as he walked away, i thought about all of the things he shared and how it just seemed to be a sign of how things were getting worse and worse at work. the company i had joined was no longer the place i worked. as much as i appreciated and respected my boss, i was questioning whether she was truly interested in making the changes that i felt were necessary to improve the performance of my own department and whether she was going to support me fully in the effort. it was at that point that i noticed my surroundings were becoming indistinct and the view was becoming increasingly blurry. at first, i panicked and wondered if i was having a stroke, then i woke up.
as i sat up in bed and pondered what the dream could possibly mean, no satisfactory answer came to mind. it wasn't until yesterday, as i was listening to the song i am posting with this entry that the meaning became clearer.
sometimes in life, we get to a place, often of some difficulty or challenge, where we look up from the pain and struggle and ask the question, "how did i get here? how did this become my life?" at times this experience can happen after we've been in a very good, very promising place, and then seemingly overnight, without any warning, the entire situation flips on its head.
for me, i recognized that, even with the particular focus in the dream centering on work, it was pretty evident that the "how did i get here?" feeling was about all the vital aspects of my life; this certainly includes work but also involves my failed relationship with michael, the challenged (and that's being euphemistic) relationship with my mother, my living in a place with no meaningful relationships and the number of friends i do have that have any sense of my life having dwindled to being able to count them with one hand with fingers left over, and lastly but, perhaps most significantly, my shattered mental and emotional state caused by my endless depression.
how did i get here? i have no idea, and i'm not sure i really care at this point. what i really want to know is how do i get out. unfortunately, the answer to that question is equally as elusive.
wonderland - taylor swift
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