just prior to yesterday's starbucks incident, i had been walking through the adjacent barnes and noble, in the grips of some pretty intense emotional distress. as the psychic pain mounted and my attempts to manage it seemed to be failing, all i could think was how i wish i could just have something, anything that would take the pain away and provide me even a momentary relief.
it was at this point that i had the thought that it was no wonder that there was such a high incidence of drug and alcohol abuse among people with severe, chronic depression. the pain can be so great that i could see why people would accept any means of escape, no matter how severe or damaging it may be in the long-term. i speculated that even with a great insight into the effects of addiction (having experienced it in my partner from my previous relationship), i was still susceptible to the lures of finding relief in controlled substances. all it would take is receiving an immediate respite from the many times a day onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings, and i would be hooked.
i guess the challenging thing is that when medical science and therapy have failed you and you don't want to engage in substances that in the long-term will do more harm than good, the thoughts of taking the route of a more permanent solution as a means of escape become even more pervasive. as i stated last night, there is at least one factor that prevents me from seeking out that solution, but as each day goes by and is characterized by the same intense struggles, a bit of my resolve falls away.
something has to give soon. it will either be this pain so great or it will be me.
imaginary - evanescence
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