yesterday, i had my periodic check-up with my psychiatrist. the purpose of these visits is to see if the latest round of antidepressant medication is working or not. over the past year plus that i have been seeing him, we've seen more failure than success, and certainly nothing we have tried has made a difference over any extended period of time. such was the case on this visit, as i reported that medication try number four seemed almost entirely ineffective.
after the usual conversation regarding what exactly i had been experiencing, he came to his planned course of action, which was to double the dosage of my current medication and to add another medication (number five for those keeping score) on top of it. he explained to me, as he always does, how the new medication works and what side effects i might experience. as he was documenting the new treatment plan in my file, he also shared with me that if this didn't work, what his ideas were for medication attempts number six and seven. he concluded with the statement, "we have not yet begun to fight," i suppose as a means of encouragement.
but see, that's the thing. i have been fighting. for the better part of two years, i have been in a battle with my mind and emotions and my soul is so very, very weary from it all. i am beyond discouraged and keep wondering why i am even bothering to continue with treatment. "nothing is working" keeps being repeated over and over again in my mind and my heart breaks even more and my spirit sinks lower and lower.
at this point, i have my white flag at the ready and i'm prepared to draw up terms of surrender.
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