i really didn't

there is a line in the movie "out of africa," in which karen blixen (played to perfection by the incomparable meryl streep) says to her newly acquired husband, "i didn't expect to like you so much." i use the word acquired deliberately as the marriage was an arranged one. having been thrown over by her husband broar's brother, she proposes to broar that he marry her so that they can obtain the sizable dowry, which they use to buy a coffee plantation in africa.

i think of this line often when i think of a particular friendship (the ups and downs of which that have been fairly extensively covered in this blog). it is a statement that is particularly relevant to this relationship. from what began (and i expected to continue) as a very casual friendship, i've grown to have a great affection for this friend.

long-time readers of this space on the internet well know that i've struggled with to what degree (if any) he feels the same about me. we are in a challenging space right now where the dynamic of regular communication has pretty much ceased and the question of when (or if) i will ever see him again looms large.

i question to what degree is this about him, i.e., is it the busyness of his life or have his feelings about wanting to be engaged in the friendship to any appreciable degree changed, or is it about me, i.e., have i done something to cause him to rethink the friendship or is it just my overall depressed state that he no longer wants to deal with. i don't know. in the few times we have had contact recently, and i've made these inquiries, he's stated that none of these conditions are the case and that he's just busy dealing with his own stuff. as i've said though numerous times before, none of the dynamics i've just shared may be true, but they sure do feel true, given my friend's changed behavior towards me.

i was thinking the other day that none of this questioning and resulting emotional pain would be present if i liked him less; however, that is not the case and i will try to do my best to manage how i feel and how i engage in the relationship. i often wish that we lived closer as i think that would help a great deal with managing these issues, but again that wish is likely not to be fulfilled and even it were, i may be entirely mistaken that anything would be different at all (cue the "is it about" statements stated in the paragraph above).

the song for today is one that i shared with my friend about a year ago. it is still true and still very much heartfelt.

i didn't expect to like "s" so much. i really didn't.

song for you far away - james taylor