back into obscurity

i think i've pretty much given up. i've tried and failed to bring about the life i want, so i'm retreating back into the life i have. no matter how lonely and unsatisfying that life may be, no matter how forgotten it makes me feel, i've lost my belief that it can be any different. as a result i'm moving further and further away from the few connections i've made back into the solitary dark night of my soul.

is that a result of not wanting to be disappointed further or is it because, as i've commented before, i don't think it really matters what i try to give to a relationship, it seems not to make any difference? i'm not sure, but i do know i don't have the will to continue trying to find connection with men when it always ends in my being abandoned, left with more scars on an already damaged heart.

this perspective may change. i don't think, however, it will change because of anything i've done. the change will likely have to come because of something positive that has happened to me.

i've commented before on having this feeling that i need something extraordinary to happen in my life, and for the last three years or so that something has eluded me. it seems pretty foolish to look and hope for something that will never happen.

and so back into obscurity i go, though, come to think of it, maybe i never left.