it's a sentiment that i've been carrying around in my soul for the past few weeks. it echoes through my psyche whenever i reflect on how i've done my best to give to various relationships over the course of my lifetime and how none of those efforts seemed to make any difference in the long-term presence of those people in my life. looking back from the present to the past, it just seems like a long string of failures.
as i think about recent disappointments and where to go from here, i feel no confidence that the future will look any different than the past.
it hurts to have this perspective that whatever good you try to bring to a relationship doesn't really matter. i've shared that perspective quite a few times in this blog. now, it has pretty much completely crushed any hopes that i've previously harbored that a meaningful, intimate relationship will ever have a sustained presence in my life. as a result, i have no motivation to even begin what i feel will ultimately be a futile attempt.
and so my life feels very quiet and small and empty. i hoped for a kind of love in my life that would bring me home. i guess no such person or place actually exists for me.
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