(warning: this is another reflection on my friendship with sean post. proceed at your own risk)
so there's a somewhat positive sign on the sean front. it appears he did accept my contact request on skype. i use the phrases "somewhat positive sign" and "it appears" because though he is a contact, there was no additional communication to accompany the change. for what it's worth, i have added him back as a "favorite" contact on my side.
and so what now? without any more word from him, i guess i go back to where things were before my hurt reaction on sunday. i go back to worrying how he's doing and wishing i could be of help in some way.
i've asked myself, not just now but over the weeks and months prior, why the silence? i mean, weeks go by and i just send a friendly text or skype note saying i hope he's doing well, not asking for anything more of him and then after a month or so of no responses, i reach out saying i'm concerned and would just like word that he's still alive. one time he did respond, letting me know he wasn't in a good space. this latest time he has not replied to this day. i do know he's alive but not how his life is going. maybe that should be sufficient. i'm not sure.
he's my friend. i have never used that word lightly. i don't describe people with whom i work or know casually as friends as some do. i only use this term for people to whom i feel a strong mutual connection, and that i know i want to give my loyal support and that i believe (at least hope) feel the same about me.
i once expressed to sean, just after we met for the first time that i didn't want to creep him out, but as a result of our first in-person meeting, i felt we were bonded together. he said it didn't creep him out at all and that he shared a similar feeling. we've only met up two times after that. the third time he visited me at my home.
i can only tell you that each time we've met in person, they have been really great experiences. each time better than i anticipated it would be. we had these conversations where he was so open and shared so much about who he is and i did likewise. they were the kind of conversations that you felt like you really connect. i shared with him once, after a similar kerfuffle about being in contact with one another, that it is rare to find someone who you get and feels gets you. he sent back a smiley face emoji.
i guess i share these things because i've been scrolling back through some old skype conversations and they've reminded me of what i believe has been the nature of our friendship. it hasn't been easy due to our respective personal demons and dysfunctions, but at its heart it has been a good friendship (something i wish i had captured more of in this blog). i don't want to hold us to all that has been, but i also don't want to lose the best of what was in whatever will be (though my confidence wavers as to whether there will be a "will be" for us).
and what if there is not? at this place in time, particularly if we end like this with no further contact from him, i know i will feel disappointed and hurt and wounded. i believe, as happens with the loss of all things we perceive to have been good, the pain will be with me in some form or another the rest of my life (the reverberations of the end of the relationship with my friend from high school are still echoing in my heart). it might not be healthy or wise or practical, but it is how i'm wired. i think it's also the reason why i'm back in therapy (something i believe god tricked me into, but that is a story for another time).
i also know that i will still care about him. i will still wonder and even worry about how he is doing. i will still think of him as my friend.
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