a different approach

this entry may be a bit of an "eye roller" for those longer term readers of this blog. please indulge me or if you prefer, skip this one and come back to the next entry (whenever that one may appear). also, as i would guess might be obvious with the situation with sean, it is also likely that the next entries for the foreseeable future will be about that relationship, so again, if you're done with that topic, either proceed with caution or find the nearest emergency exit.

i think i've shared previously that i had a similar friendship issue back when i was in college that involved my best friend from high school. for those who are not familiar with this particular story or need a refresher, the gist of the story is this. after our sophomore year in college, i would visit my friend at her home and each time she seemed less than interested to see me. after a few of these encounters, i sought advice from my mother on how to deal with the situation. she advised that my friend just needed some space and that i should give that to her by not contacting her. she would get back in touch with me when she was ready. i'm still waiting.

actually, that's not completely true. after we all graduated college, i had my friends from high school come over for a little celebratory party. i invited this one friend and she came. i have to admit it was kind of awkward, the conversation was stilted, and she left early. still, i was glad she did visit. that was pretty much the last time i saw her (i did run into her briefly one last time at the mall some years later with a guy who i assumed was her then boyfriend).

so we fast forward to now. similar situation. a friend is responding to me as if he is no longer interested in my friendship. after some months of experiencing this stand offish kind of behavior, i felt that he was telling me to shove off and move on. as a response, i deleted his phone number from my cell. i removed him as a contact on skype (even blocked him, but only because he wouldn't disappear from my favorites list unless i did so). i erased every trace of him on my computer. these actions were intended to serve two purposes. one was to prevent me from contacting him as he seemed to want me to do. the other was to prevent the pain that would occur from being reminded of him and his former presence in my life.

the thing is i've continued to be haunted by my pledge to be his friend and to be there for him as he needed me. for whatever reason it's difficult for me to turn my back on a person if i have the slightest belief that i could be of help.

i also believe that god places a burden on our hearts for people that he wishes to be in our lives for some reason or purpose that might be not be discernible to us. it doesn't mean we're supposed to be there forever or even a long period of time. it could be for just a season; however long it may need to be and for whatever reason. and when our purpose is fulfilled, i feel that god will give a sense of release from the relationship. that has not happened in sean's case -- at least not yet.

this morning i woke up thinking about him and the situation with my friend from high school. i thought about how over all of these years i still wish i'd taken a different approach to the one my mother suggested. yes, it would have been fine to give her a bit of space, but at a certain point, i wish i had reached back out one more time and had a conversation with her about what the feelings i was having of her seeming to not want to be friends. the result might have been the same, but at least i would have tried.

and so i did something that even now i'm questioning the wisdom of doing. i unblocked sean on skype. i sent him a contact request with a note saying "the ball is in your court." it's an attempt. it's an attempt i'm questioning for it's potential to harm me even further. still, if i don't hear from him, then i will know that my perceptions are correct, that our friendship is at an end and i will have to learn to live with that fact.

i likely will still be haunted by questioning of why this end happened at this particular time.  there have been other times i would have understood, but at this time, after years of repeated assurances that he still wanted to be friends, this sudden change has me mystified and hurt.

last night i questioned why my heart and mind seemed to be in such misalignment. my head asking why i was so upset about a person who seemed to be indicating that he wasn't interested in being friends? why was i continuing to be concerned about a friendship that was not wanted and why did i want to continue when i felt i wasn't respected or valued by the other person? why quite simply was my heart not in synch with my head?

maybe it's this burden that i feel divinely given. maybe it's just obsessive-compulsive behavior. maybe it's just quite simply that no one wants to feel unwanted or just maybe it's the fact that my perceptions are wrong and i'm trying to set the situation right. i don't really know what's happening, but i hope, by taking this different approach, i will find out.