the happily ever after

i'm always fascinated by how the experience from our childhoods have such a significant impact on how we as adults think and behave. one particular experience is hearing the stories of princes and princesses, witches and trolls, dangerously inquisitive children and heartless stepmothers, and of course, once upon a times and happily ever afters -- the stories we collectively refer to as fairy tales.

recently, i've made some pretty significant changes in my life. i've taken a new job in a new city to begin yet another new chapter in my life. and just as in those childhood tales, after the "hero" or "heroine" overcomes countless obstacles to obtain their long hoped for prize, the expectations of all who've witnessed my own journey of struggle with depression and life disappointments has been hopes that a happily ever after experience is assured. and so off i was sent, with congratulations and well-wishes, off into the sunset and my "hea" life.

the thing is, at least from my experience, there is no such thing as a "hea" life. the same challenges in this chapter of life that existed in the previous ones can emerge and have. i'm challenged with adjusting to a new work environment and relationships that are quite different from the ones that i have just left. the process of setting up a new household and all the elements of a life in a new locale has been exhausting. and lastly,  as alluded to in a recent entry, i'm having to come to terms with the fact that, as much as i wanted to be a friend to sean, it's not what he wants and so it's time to leave him be and let go of the relationship.

this last one is particularly hard. as i've shared in many previous entries, it's difficult to want to give support and encouragement and, yes, a form of love to a person and not have that accepted. it leaves me feeling defeated and worthless. every time i think about it, the pain makes my heart feel as if it's about to burst. it's not easy when he's someone i've tended to think about at least once a day i get weepy when he comes to mind and it's one of the reasons that i pretty much had to remove anything that would remind me of him from my life.

and there hasn't even been a goodbye (or a "get lost" for that matter). just silence to every attempt to reach out that i've made over the past month plus. no reply even to my sharing concerns that some harm may have come to him and just wanting some reassurance that he's alive and well. nothing.

for the last three years, i've been hoping he's doing well, praying that he will get through this difficult time in his life, wanting to do whatever i can to help, and at the end of the day, it's not enough.

and that has been the story of my life with so many relationships, particularly those with men. i know this latest episode and the pain that it elicits will be with me for awhile. i don't really know how i will recover from this.

what i do know is, at least right now, there is no happily in this ever after.