swallowed whole

last night it felt as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. my soul, cut off from all light and sound and signs of life, feels as if it's been suffocating ever since. more silent screams echo into what feels like an uncaring universe.

this is not new. it is a repeat of a phenomenon that has been occurring consistently for almost two years now. it strikes particularly hard and viciously on weekends. and two phrases repeat over and over and over again in my mind -- "no one hears me" and "no one ever comes to find me."

in the past, i have tried to fight for hope and belief in a better day. that fighting doesn't happen as much anymore. instead, when i feel the earth shift and the ground give way, i just let the emotional collapse carry me down.

i try to stay away from sharp objects and open windows. i might take a pill that numbs the pain but doesn't take away the despair and emptiness. and i wait.

eventually, i will resurface. i will feel a bit better. i will not feel well or whole or certainly not happy. and i crawl through life. and i wait.

for the cycle to begin again.

hey sr, it's ya birthday!

now for something a little different. have a great one man!

it's ya birthday (the official birthday anthem) - dj spinoff ft. ayo breeze and cheffboy

more wisdom from mr. taylor

new hymn - james taylor

source of all we hope or dread, sheepdog, jackal, rattler, swan.
we hunt your face and long to trust that your hid mouth will say again
let there be light, a clear new day.
but when we thirst in this dry night,
we drink from hot wells poisoned with the blood of children.
and when we strain to hear a steady homing beam,
our ears are balked by stifled moans
and howls of desolation from the throats of sisters, brother, wild men,
clawing at the gates for bread.

even our own feeble hands aim to seize the crown you wear
and work our private havoc through the known and unknown lands of space.

absolute in flame beyond us, seed and source of Dark and Day,
maker whom we beg to be our mother father comrade mate.

till our few atoms blow to dust or form again in wiser lives
or find your face and hear our name in your calm voice the end of night if dark may end.
wellspring gold of dark and day, be here, be now.

amen

all these things

a prayer.

a lament.

a beautiful image.

a wistful thought.

a longing expressed.

a breaking heart,

and tears are shed.

the water is wide - james taylor

my sentiments exactly

i think for me this extends to my keyboard and phone as well.

my stupid mouth - john mayer

delayed but seemingly inevitable

when i decided to extend the recent holiday weekend, i facetiously shared with a few friends that it was to hold off what i felt like was an oncoming nervous breakdown. now i'm back at work and sitting a mere 30 minutes or so in my office, going through the 150 or so emails in my inbox, it feels that unless some significant intervention takes place soon, the breakdown may have been delayed somewhat but ot definitely feels like it's coming is inevitable.

i had a hint of concern that this might be the case as i got prepared for work in an almost robotic like fashion. i'd had an unfortunate night of self-created drama (the outcome of which i'm still uncertain) and as i sent some apologetic notes, got dressed, had breakfast, and got my things packed and ready to come in to the office, i could tell that there was really no life in me. and such is the case as i write this note now. there is very little interest in my agenda for the day or beyond and any passion that once burned brightly are now just dark and cold ashes.

i am fortunate that i have only two meetings today. i will due my best to engage and feign interest when there is really none. i have a dental appointment later this afternoon which will allow me to leave work a bit early, following which i imagine i will go home, disrobe, and climb into bed. the same routine that i have been doing for a couple of months now.

the encounter last night has left me feeling that i contribute very little value (and much burden) to the relationships around me. reading through the emails today and seeing all that has been able to be accomplished in my absence, i am left with the same feeling about my daily work.

no sense of value or purpose. no love or intimate relationship. no seeming connection to the world around me. are these the ingredients for an emotional collapse? or has it happened already and i'm just now realizing it?

the sharing of this song may seem a bit incongruous with the rest of this entry. i share it not because it is true. i share it because i desperately need it to be true because i know i can't keep living like this.

something's coming - barbra streisand

through a crack

i fell asleep for a second
i was dreaming about how easy it is to just slip through the cracks of life
to be forgotten
i think i have been
it's ok; i want to forget me too