swallowed whole

last night it felt as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. my soul, cut off from all light and sound and signs of life, feels as if it's been suffocating ever since. more silent screams echo into what feels like an uncaring universe.

this is not new. it is a repeat of a phenomenon that has been occurring consistently for almost two years now. it strikes particularly hard and viciously on weekends. and two phrases repeat over and over and over again in my mind -- "no one hears me" and "no one ever comes to find me."

in the past, i have tried to fight for hope and belief in a better day. that fighting doesn't happen as much anymore. instead, when i feel the earth shift and the ground give way, i just let the emotional collapse carry me down.

i try to stay away from sharp objects and open windows. i might take a pill that numbs the pain but doesn't take away the despair and emptiness. and i wait.

eventually, i will resurface. i will feel a bit better. i will not feel well or whole or certainly not happy. and i crawl through life. and i wait.

for the cycle to begin again.